Question: Did you know what you wanted to be when you were 16?
You probably didn’t. And if you did, you were the exception, not the rule.
So if you find that it seems that your teen doesn’t have a clue, don’t worry: that’s normal.
Don’t let your fears about the future, lead the conversations with your kids.
I know you have good intentions, but steering your kid’s future based on your apprehensions is not a solid approach to future planning. And you might say, that’s not what I’m doing. The problem is, we usually don’t realize when we’re doing it.
I remember my father giving me some “well-meaning advice” during college.
I told him I wanted to study creative writing or psychology, and you might know how the story goes. He said to me,
“A writer? Most of them don’t make any money. You’ve got to focus on something practical. Be a doctor or a lawyer.” Need I say more? It was the same recycled advice from the baby boomer parent handbook.
My father’s career advice didn’t consider who I was or what my gifts were. Yes, it came from a good place. And it was practical guidance. But it was offered from a limited perspective.
And this is exactly why you have to be careful.
A loving parent can give bad advice. No hard feelings, though. He had his own fears to deal with.
I learned one important thing from that. My dreams belong to me, and it’s okay if someone doesn’t understand or agree—even if that person is a parent.
Here’s your mission: Empower your kids with the courage to say “yes” to the things that feel true to them, and “no” to the things that feel inauthentic – even if they’re saying “no” to you.
– Cindi C. Rose
As a parent, that’s a hard pill for some of you to swallow—the concept that your young adult will go in a direction you didn’t determine for them.
What if they choose poorly?
Help them be good decision makers. That starts with understanding your true role as a parent.
You have to Be 4 Things:
- Be Self-Aware
- Be an Observer
- Be a Coach
- Be in Integrity
#1. Be Self-Aware
A lot of times, we’re coming to our kids hoping to motivate them, with this pushy, rancid, or doom-and-gloom afraid-of-life type of energy. That is not inspiring.
So go within, and ask yourself, what advice do you wish you had gotten when you were their age?
Before you talk to your teen about their futures, figure out what your fears are so you can mentally clear your headspace before starting the conversation. Ask yourself how many of these fears stem from the mistakes you made about your education or career – or even the misinformation you received from people who probably had good intentions, but no idea what they were talking about.
Your emotions have a current – and that visceral energy can impact the people around you.
Your emotional current can be an optimistic flow, or it can be tainted. Your fears can influence them to be fearful decision makers – and life decisions made through fear are typically bad decisions.
We cannot be afraid for our kids to have failures and setbacks. They are inevitable and can actually be a stepping stone to growth and resilience.
-Cindi C. Rose
Life is going to kick their butts from time to time. But guess what? They’re going to get back up. And fortunately, they’ve have you in their corner’. So you can breathe.
Nothing is more important to growing your child’s confidence than you demonstrating your confidence to them.
#2. Be an Observer
A lot of times, we’re talking when we could simply be listening or paying better attention. What are they into? What are their strengths? What is their best subject at school?
Not only that, but what are their weaknesses? I firmly believe in going where my strengths can be of service rather than focusing on what I don’t do well. If your kid hates science or is easily grossed out, they probably won’t be a doctor. Cool. You don’t have to force anything.
Is your child lively and upbeat, or more thoughtful and earnest, or do they tend to be more serious and focused?
What about the way they view the world? What are they passionate about? What do they care about? By observing your young human, you’ll have a good sense of their skills and what matters in their personal universe. The insights you gain here will give you the information you need to help them move in the right direction.
#3. Be a Coach
I don’t know about you, but many of us had parents who loved us but were under the flawed belief that we simply had to get good grades, graduate from high school and go to college, and life would be A-okay.
If you’re a millennial or Gex X, you know that wasn’t it. As parents who know that the formula for success isn’t that old laid-out path it may once have been, we understand that getting good grades and being good boys and girls isn’t the formula for success.
As an observant parent, you’ve seen what they’re good at.
As a coach, your job is to encourage and motivate them. If they’re interested in something, and good at it, it may be time to get them more in-depth skill-building. And as a coach, you’ll begin to figure out how far to steer them forward, and when you have to let go.
You and your young adult should have a healthy, interdependent relationship in which they are allowed to step up. Here are some tips for being the best coach you can be.
- Ask for their input. This is their life, after all. Let them know their opinions are valued. The more you show them they are safe opening up to you, the more they will.
- Don’t smother or take over. You’ll get resistance, and they’ll start to feel like this was your decision, not theirs. They won’t give their complete effort if they feel manipulated.
- Give them tasks and show that you trust them. Your belief in them will help them increase their own belief.
- Sometimes you’ll need to go with your heart, and other times you’ll have to go with your gut. Your kid is struggling – that’s a heart matter. Show understanding. They’re giving up easily? That’s a gut matter. Try to get them to push through.
Now that last tip may give gentle parenting coaches a case of the vapors. Some of them will fan themselves and pass out. I practice gentle parenting myself.
But I firmly believe you have to know your kid and act accordingly.
Some of you have kids that have a keen sense of who they are and what they want to do. It’s as if their souls have been here before. If that’s the case, let them lead and support and coach them as necessary.
But most teens are not proactive, caught in a perpetual state of procrastination or self-doubt when it comes to making their own decisions.
That means that there are some things you may have to do to help them build their confidence. So have them start volunteering or participate in a sport. Maybe take a course or go see a counselor. You can even check out some programs we’re hosting this summer here on Ambition Crush.
If your kid is indecisive, doubtful, or a perfectionist, you must encourage and even gently push them occasionally. As they consistently show up and get comfortable with uncomfortable things, this will inevitably manifest into more self-esteem and confidence.
#4. Be in Integrity.
If you tell them to be consistent, you be consistent.
If you teach them certain values, do your best to live those values.
If you tell them it’s vital to exercise, exercise yourself.
If you tell them not to smoke, put the cigarettes and vape pen down.
It’s not the amount of success you do or don’t have, it’s whether or not you are a person they can trust.
You want him to love himself, love yourself a little better.
If you don’t want her to be a follower, you need to stop pleasing people.
If you want them to stop being so self-critical, make sure you’re not constantly condemning yourself – even internally.
This is not to say that you have to be perfect. God, who is? That would be boring anyway. But it does require that you are in integrity between what you say and do to the best of your ability.
The example you set is the biggest flex, Period.
Once you start implementing these commitments, understand that none of this happens overnight. But you’ll see over some weeks, your young human will begin to open up a little bit more, gradually. As those moments add up, you’ll start to get an inner glimpse behind the curtain to who they are inside. Then your guidance is the gold standard.
